Divorce and Divine Intervention.
Why my husband leaving me was the best thing that happened!
Ten years ago today my husband walked out on my son and I.
Ten years ago my world completely shattered around me.
Ten years ago I slipped into despair.
Ten years ago I started a journey that would see me transform my life to the beautiful landscape it is now.
The wonder that is Facebook, showed me my status from the day in question.
I’m, not one for airing dirty laundry on social media. But I made a short and succinct post, because, quite frankly what the hell was I supposed to do?
That night we’d arranged with my Mum to have a night off, child free.
She came and picked up Harley at about 6:30pm. Harley went happily off with his Nanny and my husband and I sat down to discuss what we would do that night.
Things were totally normal. I fired up our computer and posed the question of getting a take away for dinner.
That’s when he pulled up a chair from our dining table and sat down beside me at the computer desk.
I felt the air change. The vibes became deafening and restrictive. I knew something was wrong, though I had no clue how in the next half an hour my life and my sons life would change forever.
D – ‘Lizz, I need to talk to you’
L – ‘Okayyy, whats up?
D – ‘Lizz , I don’t love you anymore. I’m sorry but I’ve not loved you for a while now. We always said we wouldn’t stay together for the sake of our kid. So I’m leaving. Tonight.’
I remember saying to him, that I had no idea he was unhappy.
We’d not argued.
We’d had the usual stressors in our lives…money, time etc but nothing major.
We’d had sex the day before.
I asked him if we were going to talk about this. Could we sit and be adults and discuss our marriage?
Would we just take a break? and then come back together in a week to see how we felt.
He stopped me point blank.
Nope, no talking, no discussion, no emotions, no dealing with it, no trying to make it work. Nothing.
He cut me off, stood up and said ‘That’s it, its over, I don’t fucking love you anymore and I’m going to live with my brother.’
He packed a bag of clothes and walked out the door.
Within the space of 20 minutes, I’d gone from the excitement of having an evening with my beautiful husband to nothing. Nada. Zilch.
No marriage, No love, No husband, No father for my child. No voice, No chance, No hope, No time, No respect, No space, No, No, No, No , No. Fuck All.
He didn’t let me speak. He was just gone.
I can still feel some of the terror that slayed me that night.
This man was my world along with our 3 year old child.
I’d fallen in love 4 years earlier with this awkward, less than a confident boy.
I saw the sweetness in him. The man I knew he’d become.
I supported him through going back to college. He has Dyslexia and Dyspraxia, along with other issues. And of course, that meant nothing to me, it was just part of him.
I fought his corner every single time I could. I did what any nice person did for the one they love.
I put him and his needs above my own.
I lost who I was. I didn’t do things for me anymore. ever. I should have gone to college myself.
It was all about bettering him.
Every ounce of energy I poured into this man who would become my husband, was now crap. Pointless.
He didn’t love me.
That’s how my world changed. Literally overnight.
The next day I had to explain to my 3 year old child that Daddy was gone.
That’s basically how the next year went. Constantly and desperately explaining over and over again to my boy what had happened. Heartbreaking.
I’m not sure if I was more upset for me or Harley?
Ten years ago I started down a very dark road.
I faced the want to self-harm.
The want to not go on anymore.
My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder got really bad again.
But you know what stopped me?
I would not leave my boy with two parents who abandoned him. No way!
He needed me more than ever now. So no matter how much I cried I knew I had to keep pushing forward.
2 weeks after ‘that night’ Harley started at Nursery school.
My brave and beautiful little hero had lost his father and begun his independent young life.
Explaining to the nursery teacher briefly what had happened was an all time low.
I couldn’t even keep my husband happy. How useless was I?
I had endless support from my Mum. She helped me out with bedtimes, school times, playing, cuddles and with massive emotional support.
Mum got my community mental health team involved. My social worker visited every week. Boy did I need her unbiased opinions and support!
She encouraged me to start a home learning course. Something just for me.
That’s when I did a small course with The Open University. 16 weeks of learning about ‘Understanding Children’…well I needed to support my son right? So this was an invaluable learning tool for me.
Harley thought it was great that I was taking him to school and I’d come home and do my school work. He’d even check up on me that I’d done it!
I went on and studied Psychology soon after, then Crystal healing and Mindfulness.
My life has totally changed.
My Divorce needed to happen so that I could push forward with MY life.
I’d forgotten what I wanted in life and lived vicariously through my husband.
Funnily enough, it didn’t make me happy.
When I look back now at those years, I realise how unhappy I truly was.
I was faking it all.
I now call it my ‘Lucky escape’!
By treating me so abhorrently, by making me hate him. He actually made it easier..in the long run..to move forward.
I am happy now.
I’m fulfilling my own dreams.
Things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. That’s not how life works. But, it can steadily move forward to something even more magical….that you’re not sure why you put up with that previous life.
Out of the ashes of my marriage…
If you’re struggling in your relationship here are some great links to helpful websites I personally used.
Look after yourself.